CHINESE FIRE DRILL...i don't really WANT to be in the back seat.

this evening i have searched and searched inside my head and heart for words to express myself.  and i keep coming up empty.  for anyone who KNOWS me, this should be cause for alarm.  i just have no.words.

i feel like i've been through some major ups and downs.  and it's okay.  i'm tough.  i can take it.  one of my best qualities is that i handle disappointment and setbacks with amazing grace.   most of the time.

today not so much.  i think it's the momma bear thing.  if it's ME that is being affected, i can take it.  i am woman, hear me roar.  but if it's one of my kids...well, that's just DIFFERENT.

and i knoooooow that i knooooooow that i knoooooow that they have to have their challenges too...that's life.  it's how we grow.  it's how we change.  it's how we learn to trust.

i've had a front row seat to God's faithfulness...his provision...even when it has seemed like we're certainly going to crash and burn...He's always been there.

my children have been along for this ride.  they've watched...they've seen the faithfulness...the provision...but they've seen it from the backseat...safely belted in with a buffer between them and the windshield.

right now, austin has moved to the front seat.  he knows the course he's on...and he's running into roadblocks.   and this time it's close up and personal.

there is a giant standing in his way.  but this is HIS time, HIS destiny.  and i'm going to have to trust (again) that God knows what he's doing...he's prepared the way ahead of time...and that nothing is a surprise to him.

and as i have reflected this evening, i remembered the story of david and goliath...and came back to re-read this entry.

i only hope and pray that austin is MORE THAN PREPARED for the path he is on.

we've done our best.  and now we wait, we trust.  from the BACK seat.

****************************************************

(G is for GOLIATH, GIANT from GATH)...originally posted 02.07.11

it's been awhile since i've read the story of david & goliath...but sunday i re-read it and was struck by some things in the story that give me some hope...some encouragement...as i face the giants in my own life.

here's a completely paraphrased version :)

there's this huuuuge giant named goliath...he's almost ten feet tall. his armor alone weighs over 126 pounds. good golly. this is one tough dude, right?

he starts picking on the israelites & wants one of them to have courage enough to fight him. if he wins, he & his posse own the israelites. but if they take HIM down, they get to be top dog.

meanwhile, there's this family whose mother was brave enough to have EIGHT boys (no telling how many girls were born in between those boys...hats off to her...can you EVEN imagine?).

a bunch of the brothers are off to war and are in the camp that is being challenged by the giant. david is the youngest. he stays home & helps his dad take care of the sheep...one day dad tells david that he wants him to take some cheese & bread down to the brothers & their commanders.

when the father asked david, he set out to go RIGHT AWAY. he even was responsible enough to make sure someone took over his chores while he was gone...(doesn't sound much like the youngest around these parts LOL).

the giant has been taunting these guys for forty days when little david shows up. the brothers are annoyed by david's arrival and think he's shown up just for a front row seat to the blood & gore.

nope. instead, david goes to the head honcho & says he'll take the giant down...he's fought bears & lions to protect the sheep...he can handle this guy. the king thinks he's crazy but lets him. what do they have to lose, right?

the king wants david to be safe and makes david put on his armor. it's waaay too awkward. david says NO WAY and goes & picks out five stones and goes off to fight goliath.

of course, the giant thinks this is laughable. til david whacks him in the head with the very first rock. down. dead. david uses goliath's own sword to cut the giant's head off. and i'm a little grossed out by the fact that david totes that head around with him for the rest of the story...JUST LIKE A BOY. lol.

sooooooo, what on earth does this have to do with anything?

well, several things struck me (not as hard as the rock that struck goliath...hee hee).

• when david's father asked him to run some food over to his brothers and check in on them, he DID IT. he didn't question his dad. he didn't whine...didn't grumble about the inconvenience of it. he just DID it.



• he arrived JUST IN TIME. he got there RIGHT when he needed to. he THOUGHT he was going for a mundane task...but GOD KNEW that there was a purpose for this young boy.



• his brothers rolled their eyes at him...they judged his motives...they questioned his judgement.



• when david said he was going to step out and do this, others tried to give him their advice...tried to protect him...tried to get him to armor up...but what worked for THEM was AWKWARD for david...he was not comfortable in another man's armor...it wasn't who he was.



• david took the things that came naturally to him and went with that. he knew who he was...what his strengths were...he took all that had been put into him over his lifetime and trusted that God would give him the strength and protection he needed.



• he knocked goliath out with the FIRST rock. he was MORE than prepared for the task he had to do. he went into the battle with everything he needed and MORE. MORE. he had MORE THAN HE NEEDED. extra rocks!

this really speaks to me. we are facing this move...this HUGE HUGE HUGE move for our family, our kids...and i want to be more like david...

i want to trust that God has prepared our family for this...that he KNOWS what we need...and that if we rely on HIM, that he will GET US WHERE WE NEED TO BE, at the time we need to be there, FOR THE PURPOSES HE HAS FOR US.

and what works for some may not for others. we have background, history, that is personalized just for us. and we have to trust that the God who has brought us to this point is going to go before us on this next phase of the journey.

just one thing, please, God: the bread & cheese part sounds quite lovely but i really don't want to have to carry around any dead carcasses.

"All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give all of you into our hands." 1 Samuel 17:47

Q is for Queens (and royal ladies)...

once upon a time there were two teen-aged girls who dreamed of royalty. on a hiking trip to windsor lake in colorado, they began to daydream. and somewhere along the way they left behind their ohio school girls and transformed from

jennifer to 'lady genevieve'

and from

wendy to 'lady gwendolyn.'the hike...the day...the vacation...all ended.

but about three decades later, lady genevieve and lady gwendolyn are still with us.our journeys have taken us back and forth across the country, we've worn many hats (no crowns). we've had ups. we've had downs. we've had our good hair days...and our bad. we've had lots of change of addresses...but one thing has never changed...

we love each other. and hope and dream for each other. we share our joys. we share our sorrows.

and today (okay, so i'm like five minutes early eastern time...but you WERE born in this time zone) i celebrate the birth of my baby sister, jennifer aka lady genevieve.as i was unpacking this afternoon i came across a big box of pictures...i decided to take a break.

i'll let you decide for yourself but quite honestly, i think that, like fine wine, we've improved with age LOL.

happy birthday sweet sister. i miss you. i love you. and i am hoping and praying that this year brings you joy. you deserve it. it's time. (and once again, God, please, if you're reading...hee hee...grant me a birthday wish for my sis...cut the girl some slack, k? thanks).

and now...a trip back in time...

every royal lady had a jessica mcclintock gunnesax dress :)

no pepsi for these princesses LOL

those are some high waisted shorts we've got on :)

i will NEVER forget this night with our foreign exchange student...do you remember?



look, it's us...standing on the highway on the interstate near williamsburg, virginia (why???? LOL). diggin the colored socks :)

the era of the julia roberts pretty woman suits :)

THIS JUST IN: convicts escape women's prison and take denim clad babies with them. if seen, please call crime stoppers. they were last seen headed toward the levi strauss store...

apparently austin and i shared the same hairdresser? LOLOLOL

cruella and miss clavel (sp?) from madeline. i'm sure they would have been hanging out together??? hee hee.

if we are 'ladies' does that make our brother 'duke gregory?' i'm not up on my royal lingo.

carson is still convinced we're naked in this pic. thanks ever so much for having me wear a custom made maternity bustier. and thank you to your photographer for having me stand next to our barely there sister in law in the family photo. dude, don't mess with pregnant ladies in bustiers.

three pregnant sisters. fun, fun, fun!

and then that's as far as the pictures in the box went...you know the rest...ohio, texas and beyond...

saying goodbye.

thank you so much for being who you are...for loving me for who i am. you challenge me, you provoke me, you make me laugh, you make me cry.

and so that i don't end on a sappy note, throwing in this picture just for fun. seriously one of the craziest nights i can remember in a long time. of course, i don't get out much ;)

happy, happy birthday lady genevieve. you ARE a treasure.

xoxo,

lady gwendolyn of windsor lake

B is for BROTHERLY LOVE

sure, philly may hold the official title of 'city of brotherly love' but i'm pretty sure that virginia beach may be coming in a close second.

there is an eight year difference between austin & carson.  and there are times that this gap is just unbridgeable. carson has a sarcastic wit far beyond his years (hmmm...where on EARTH could he have gotten THAT from???).  he knows what buttons to push with austin...and he's perfected the art of being the annoying younger brother.

BUT he also looks up to austin (though i have a feeling that someday...maybe not too far off...austin may be the one looking up to CARSON...he's growing SO fast).  

carson has conflicting feelings about austin going away to college.  on one hand, he's going to miss him tremendously.  but on the flip side, it will mean he gets to have his own room for the first time EVER.  and i think right now THE JOY of that emotion is winning the battle :)

nonetheless, as the time draws nearer, i'm seeing carson show his appreciation of his big brother a little more externally than he usually does.

the other day austin took him to game stop.  before they left, carson ran in his room and made sure that he was wearing a v-neck tee & his glasses...just like austin.

a few nights later, i caught them watching tv...

LIKE THIS:

and it just made my heart smile.

of course, when austin realized i had taken a photo, it made HIS eyes roll.

i love my boys.  (i love my girl too).  and i'm glad that they love each other.

even if you wouldn't necessarily get that vibe right this moment.  lol.

xoxo.

tales of a wayward blogger...A is for APPLEBEES

long time, no blog!  life with four kids stays busy pretty much always...but add moving, new job, end of school year, graduation, volleyball nationals & college prep and, well, let's just say i'm holding on for dear life.

i was chatting with a friend yesterday & shared something with her that i thought was kind of funny.  i decided to share it with you as well (if there's anyone out there still even LOOKING at this blog LOL).

austin is an official high school graduate as of last weekend.  it was an evening that we'll never forget.  we celebrated afterward with homemade brownies and ice cream.  a few days later we had an open house.  nana & papa came in from texas.  the kids had not seen them since we moved last year.

on sunday, they took the kids to the boardwalk art show.  it was a gorgeous day:  sunny, breezy...temps in the low 70s...quite a change from houston, texas!  after the art show, they went to dinner at applebee's.

jordan had taken my camera for the day.  so as we were looking through the photos, she said hudson was just in AWE of how 'fancy' applebee's was.

i don't know if this should make me smile or cry.  the last decade has been quite a rollercoaster ride.  it was 2001 when bobby experienced his first ever lay off.  carson was not even born yet.  in the time since then, our journey has included giant challenges, miracles, valleys, unbelievable amounts of sweat and tears, dream jobs, dream kitchens, loss of dream job, loss of dream kitchen (LOL) and we're still hanging on, never knowing for sure what's around the next corner.

and i'm grateful.  for ALL of it.  even if i wouldn't necessarily have CHOSEN this.

i'm thankful that my children are happy.  secure.  grateful.

i'm thankful that they don't take things for granted.

i'm thankful that hudson was able to experience his 'fancy, fine-dining' experience of mac & cheese at applebees and think that it was a big deal.

i'm thankful that they don't just 'expect' to be indulged whenever they feel like it.

but if i'm being honest, i'm a little embarassed that my kid is so impressed by applebees?  

my children have not experienced fine dining.  my children have not experienced lavish vacations.  we cannot offer them prepaid college tuition.  we cannot promise them a grand inheritance of cash.  however, my children ARE experiencing living together...in tight quarters...with moments of quarrelling...BUT EVEN MORE MOMENTS OF LAUGHING...they ARE experiencing what it means to stick together as a family...they have experienced moments of 'having' and moments of 'losing' and they are still smiling.  

i am thankful that THEY are thankful.  i am thankful that they are mine. 

construction terminology, words with friends & God stuff LOL

if you know me at ALL, then you know that my mind works in...well, let's just say perhaps UNUSUAL ways (read: weird). hee hee.

it's okay. i've come to terms with it :)

what you are about to read has been floating around in my head for a good two weeks or so now...i've just been toooooo busy to sit down and type it out. but jordan and bobby are at a volleyball tournament, the boys are watching cartoons and austin & the dog are sound asleep. so here we go.

a couple weeks ago i was playing a game of words with friends. if you aren't familiar with the game, it's pretty much scrabble. and i loooooove my word games. when i play them, sometimes i try words even if i'm pretty sure that they aren't real...because you just never know :)

my opponent placed the word JOIST. i decided to try to make it REJOIST.

turns out that's not a word. lol.

BUT it started this whole thing in my head. i immediately thought of the following verse:

"REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS. AND AGAIN I SAY REJOICE." phillippians 4:4 (KJV)

and then i thought, well, why can't you REJOIST?????

to be honest, i wasn't really sure what joist meant. i know what JOUSTING is. but joist? nope. so i googled. because i love google. seriously, if i were stuck on a desert island (and lol bc i just typed dessert...someone bring me some cheesecake)...and could only pick one thing to take with me it would be the ability to google. because i cannot survive without it. it keeps me sane. okay, maybe not...but it keeps me happy. how's that? hee hee.

back to the joist.

a joist is a beam laid crosswise to support a floor or ceiling.

pretty important stuff, those joists.

they are fundamentally important to the foundation.

apparently you can't REJOIST. joisting has to be done right the FIRST time. because otherwise everything else gets completely messed up.

and that made me think that not only should we rejoice in the Lord always...

but we should also reJOIST in the Lord always as well.

if we place the cross as our foundation (read the definition again: a beam laid CROSS-wise!!!!!!) if we lay that beam DAILY...we can stand secure...no matter what the day holds.

the last couple weeks have held lots of reminders of the brevity of life...how QUICKLY things can change. it takes just a split second and life can be altered forever.

regardless of what life brings we're instructed to rejoice. um...that's some TOUGH ADVICE to follow sometimes, right? and apparently it was important enough advice that it had to be repeated (reminds me of when i'm talking to the kids and i have to repeat myself to be sure they heard me).

rejoice in the Lord always. AND AGAIN i say rejoice.

life has brought some hard stuff. we aren't expected to rejoice in THAT. we're just directed to rejoice in the LORD. and JOIST in him too.

and if you're curious, the definition of JOUST is a combat on horseback...if i'm being honest, sometimes i find myself JOUSTING with God too.

he always wins.

i guess that's a good thing, right? :)

birthday kisses

today my dear sweet friend HEATHER celebrates her birthday. my plan was to take her out for coffee & scones but unfortunately she lives in Utah and i couldn't get back before school let out. bummer :(

instead i had my coffee by myself...paired with a kashi bar...because i don't have a bakery in my house. as i sipped on my drink, i googled to find the stats for the OPERATION SMILE FINAL MILE. i wanted to see if they had posted the results. i mean, i knew it's not like hudson was going to be in the top five...or even top ten...or top hundred (LOL), but i was just curious to see where he finished.

hudson has NOT stopped talking about the race. he loved it. my friend libby works for operation smile and dropped off some goodies for him. included was an official operation smile memo pad. hudson has been using it to write letters...some to children who are going to have the surgery...and he wrote a note to carter (heather, i'm sending it along with some other things). not going to share it here...just know, if you're reading, that it was the sweetest thing and carter has genuinely had an impact on hudson.

sometimes there are things that impact your life...or people that impact your life...and it changes your future. it changes your perspective. it changes your life. heather and i joke about hudson and jovie getting married someday...but honestly, even if that plan should fall apart, our hearts are joined forever. i am so thankful for this sweet family. our hearts are stronger, better for knowing the mcmerrick family.

so anyhow, blah blah blah...in order to get JUST HOW SPECIAL THIS SWEET BIRTHDAY KISS FOR HEATHER IS, you'll have to remember back to my september 23, 2011 blog post. and i'd link it for you but for some reason i can't figure out how the HECK to do that...heather could...because she's awesome like that. anyhow, it was super cool and if you're curious enough just go back a few months and find it for yourself. lol.

now...back to the coffee & scones...i mean kashi...

i scrolled through until i found hudson's name. he was in the fifth corral...which was a LOT of scrolling LOL. and then THERE HE WAS...

hudson lee. finished number 365. his time?

yep. yep. yep.

9:23.

SHUT.UP.

one second slower. one second faster. NOPE. nine minutes and twenty three seconds.

God is with us. not just on race day. not just at the finish line. but THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE DAYS A YEAR...through the ENTIRE RACE.

and i'm crying again.

happy happy birthday heather. God goes with you. he knows the road ahead, the road behind. and he loves you and is cheering you on as YOU move along on YOUR path.

may this next year of YOU be mind blowing. and may we please, please, please somehow get a date on the calendar for that coffee & pastry? :)

love you my friend.

hearts aren't supposed to hurt on valentine's day

you'd THINK that if someone in my house was going to be heartbroken this valentine's day that it would be one of my teenagers.

but nope. instead it's my little guy. and it's not because he's love sick, but rather, HOME sick.

he's been extra emotional the last couple days...tears at the drop of a hat. he must have decided it was just too hard to put in words...so he started passing me notes. and not only is HIS heart hurting, but mine is too.


here are a few (sigh):

(a picture of our texas house, with the van in the drive)

(the park across the street)

(an airplane going from his virginia elementary school to his texas one)

as a mom, it just breaks my heart that he is hurting. no amount of 'explaining' will change what he's feeling right now. all that can be done is to love him through this.



and we will do our best.



perhaps not by chance, his 'achy breaky heart' comes at a time when i'm struggling with some heart ache of my own.



as i have prayed for hudson...as i have prayed for him to know how much he is loved, how much he is CHERISHED, i have felt God whispering in my heart (i mean, he doesn't really whisper in my ear...he's never been AUDIBLE to me...and i'm kinda glad...i don't think i could handle that LOL)...anyhow, i have felt him whispering in my heart that he feels that way about ME.



he loves me. he understands. even when i don't have the words to put it into a prayer. even when the best i can do is send a mental picture up to heaven...he knows.

and in the same way it's impossible for ME to explain to hudson all of the reasons that we had to move...and that he needs to trust us because he doesn't see the big picture right now, i feel like God is saying IF YOU FEEL LIKE THAT AS A HUMAN PARENT, IMAGINE HOW I FEEL AS YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER. MY LOVE IS PERFECT. YOU CAN TRUST ME. YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M DOING BUT I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE...I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. NO MATTER WHAT.

so my prayer tonight is for anyone who is suffering from a broken heart...

God sees. He knows. He cares.


You are loved. More than you will ever be able to comprehend.


HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

xoxo.