BEETLES and LEGOS and NIGHTMARES...oh MY!

one of these nights i'm going to sleep all the way through from start to finish. maybe by the time i'm fifty? maybe not.

my most recent sleep was interrupted at approximately 2:30 a.m. when i realized that carson had invaded my side of the bed.

the following conversation followed --

me: carson, why are you in my bed?

carson: because there was a giant beetle crawling on my leg!

me: what? are you sure?

carson: yes! i had a dream and i could feel it crawling on me and then i opened my eyes and looked down and i SAW IT ON THE FLOOR!

me (please don't judge me...i don't like bugs and i was only half awake): well, i'm sure it's crawled away by now. go on back upstairs.

carson: NOOOOOO. mom. it was HUGE. you HAVE to come get it.

(i should take this moment to tell you that from time to time, we have had some HUUUUUGE beetles in this house...for some reason God chooses to torture me by making me live in places that have giant bugs, hurricanes & hot weather...yippee...check out this pic of a beetle in jordan's room a few weeks ago...aggghhhhh!!!)

okay, so now you know that it's entirely POSSIBLE that there IS a bug up there...and you understand why i might not want to go find it...now, back to the story:

me (at this point realizing he's not going away unless i go upstairs): alright. let's go.

upstairs, hudson is fast asleep in his bed. by the light of a teeny tiny night light i feel my way over to his bed and one by one take the blankets off and shake them out.

me: see? there's nothing there. you're fine. let me put these back on and you can climb back in.

carson: MOMMMMM!!!!! CAN'T YOU SEE IT? LOOOOOOK, IT'S RIGHT THERE!!!!! (as he points to the floor).

(um, no. i can't see it. it's 2:30 a.m. it's pitch black. i don't have my contacts in and i'm barely awake. but instead i went ahead and turned on the light, and there it was...THE AWFUL, TERRIBLE, CRAWLING beetle):

what? you can't see it? oh wait...THAT'S BECAUSE THERE WAS NO BEETLE. it was a ROUND RED LEGO.

i thought that would be the end of it. i tried to tuck carson back into bed. but he was HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT. he was CERTAIN there was a beetle. CERTAIN that it was still there. nothing i said, nothing i did, nothing i prayed could convince him otherwise.

so i made him a bed on the couch downstairs and that WOULD be the end of the story EXCEPT that at this point my brain was wide awake.

as i lay/lie/laid (diane merchant, high school english teacher extraordinaire, wanna weigh in here? LOL)...anyhow, as i stayed there in that horizontal position in my bed (hee hee), carson came in from the couch several more times...he was just so concerned that another 'beetle' was going to find him...eventually he fell back to sleep (lucky him).

meanwhile (in a mildly annoyed state), i began to realize how similar my own behavior tends to be at times.

and then...well, then i felt the annoyance melt to humility. i see that this is ME! i run to God...i cry out to him...and the very thing that i am afraid of ISN'T REAL. IT ISN'T THERE.

maybe at one point in time there WAS a 'beetle' sighting in my life...but this time, THIS time an actual beetle (read fear, insecurity, doubt, self-hatred...the list goes on and on) isn't even THERE.

it just FEELS like it. but that's because i'm not fully awake.

when i OPEN MY EYES...when i OPEN MY HEART...to the truth...to HIS TRUTH, NOT MY PERCEIVED REALITY, i realize that i am FREE. those feelings that haunt me, that paralyzing fear...it's time to SHAKE IT OFF...and see that what falls to the ground is just an empty, dead, non-living piece of plastic.

'shake off your dust, rise up, sit enthroned jerusalem. free yourself from the chains on your neck.' isaiah 52:2

'who the son sets free is free indeed.' john 8:36

i've come full circle. i'm back to where i started 20 years ago. back to where so much fear took root. but i believe that God has brought me here to allow me to see that I AM NOT THE SAME. the chains are gone. thank you JESUS...my 'room' has already been fumigated. i don't need to be afraid.

in the light of day the very thing i was so afraid of turns out to be something that actually brings me joy! it's just a piece of a 'puzzle' that completes my whole 'story,' you know?

time to pick up that piece that's been left behind and add it to another...let my imagination run wild...who wants to play legos with me?

if you are in my life, then you are a piece of my puzzle. and i'm grateful for you.

and now, this sleepy chick is going to try and take a nap :)

xoxo.