saving up for therapy...

do you remember second grade? did anything traumatic ever happen to you that still haunts you? a memory of children laughing at you, your cheeks BURNING with embarassment?

um, yeah...we BARELY ESCAPED one of THOSE memories this morning.

the big kids were long gone & i was racing around getting the boys ready to head out the door to the bus stop. carson BEGGED to please wear his fedora with his hoodie sweatshirt...whatever. i finally just said yes. he's SUCH a little hipster. and bobby put the finishing touches on hudson's PIRATE COSTUME...a red bandana tied 'round his cute little head.

you see, fourth graders are TOO COOL to dress up for a party at school. but hudson's class is having a party today. and the note said COSTUMES.

and sooooo, out the door they went. til hudson came RUNNING back to tell me that NO ONE ELSE at the bus stop (best friend -- same class -- included) were wearing costumes.

when i told him that i was SO SURE that he was supposed to wear it, and 'how 'bout you just ride the bus and if you get to school and no one else is wearing one, i'll bring you clothes?' i saw tears fill up the corners of his eyes and he said, 'but mom...i don't want to have to sit there and WAIT for you if i'm the only one dressed up.'

and so carson rode the bus with his friends while i made a phone call to the school. hudson's teacher laughed. apparently the note said NO COSTUMES.

oops. lmbo. he changed clothes & we headed out so i could drive him to school. he in his skinny jeans and gap hoodie, me in my monkey jammie pants and mismatched hoodie. and he turns to me and says, 'are you SERIOUSLY going to wear THAT?'

ha ha ha.

and in case you don't remember some of these, i've chronicled why it SUCKS to be the fourth kid...ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR MOM SELLS STUFF ON EBAY. check out hudson modeling some of the costumes i've sold over the years. and if you'd like to contribute to future therapy bills, feel free to send a donation. this POOR, POOR KID. hee hee hee.

i'm pretty sure he's flipping me off in this one. :)

God, i love love LOVE this kid. please PLEASE help him to not hate me when he gets old enough to realize how much i've screwed him up. lol.

FUTURE ACTIVIST

you know how they say birds of a feather flock together?

well, one of my 'birds' has always been a little 'different' from the rest of the flock.

carson...what can i say about carson? he is FULL of surprises. he's also full of himself. lol.

the kid wrestles with injustice...with human rights...with the unfairness of life (perhaps it's middle child syndrome and this is all just normal?). but really, he is MOST LIKELY to rebel in our family but he's ALSO MOST LIKELY to confess & apologize (even BEFORE he gets caught).

i love this kid.

TODAY, he came home from school on a mission. he needed TWENTY sheets of paper and he needed them NOW.

he proceeded to make 'posters' to put on every child's desk in his classroom...

"STOP OREO!!! even if you didn't, please don't."

and then wrote the teacher a note...

"Dear Miss H., Our class has made a game called OREO. Game Rules: You 'rock, paper, scissors' and whoever wins points out who you have to ask out (on a date). Me and Josh are trying to stop this game. We don't like it at all . It could also start a rumor! Sincerely, Carson Lee."

LMBO. He is grossed out by the thought of having to ask someone out. He thinks that this is just WRONG for fourth graders. hee hee hee.

I love that he has decided to rally against this OREO INSANITY. lololol.

On a more serious note, one night we had to drop off packages at the post office. It was raining and I had Austin run the packages up to the mail drop. He came back and asked if we had seen the homeless man, who had found some shelter under the post office awning.

Days later, Carson and I were driving past the post office. He started to ask a LOT of questions about the man: does he have family? does he have a place to stay? how does he get food to eat? why can't he move in with someone? if he's ever there again, can we PLEASE go across the street to the mcdonald's and get him an ice cream sundae?

The conversation had some really DEEP moments...with TOUGH questions. And THEN Carson said that he had an idea...that he was pretty sure it would work, but he wasn't sure I was going to like it.

He elaborated on his plan:

• Track down aforementioned homeless man




• Take him door to door and explain to people that he needs a place to live




• Ask them nicely if they could please make soom room for him in their home

At this point my heart is about to burst. My boy...my sweet boy...who cares so profoundly. Until he got to his next point:

• If homeowner says no, hold them at gunpoint until they agree

Scratch the warm fuzzies. LMBO. He had me up until the very end. While this thought process scares the HECK out of me, a friend reminded me that there were lots of dudes in the bible who would stop at nothing short of justice...some of them got a little lost along the way, but God still calls them men after his own heart. I hope Carson continues to feel passionately...and act on it...whether it's homelessness or the possibility of fourth grade cooties.

I.LOVE.THIS.KID.


(and a little update: on a later trip to the post office, the man was there again. he asked if i had any money. i truly did not. just my debit card. i left & rather than a sundae, i got him a meal and brought it back to him. we had a GREAT conversation about the fact that he is NOT invisible. that if he is EVER feeling alone in this world, he needs to know that there is a nine year old named carson who sees him, who prays for him at night before bed...and that if a NINE year old cares that much, then how much does the God of the universe care about him? his name is william. he is currently out of work. we continue to pray for him. and i continue to pray that my children will be a blessing and be a change in this sometimes troubled world).

BEETLES and LEGOS and NIGHTMARES...oh MY!

one of these nights i'm going to sleep all the way through from start to finish. maybe by the time i'm fifty? maybe not.

my most recent sleep was interrupted at approximately 2:30 a.m. when i realized that carson had invaded my side of the bed.

the following conversation followed --

me: carson, why are you in my bed?

carson: because there was a giant beetle crawling on my leg!

me: what? are you sure?

carson: yes! i had a dream and i could feel it crawling on me and then i opened my eyes and looked down and i SAW IT ON THE FLOOR!

me (please don't judge me...i don't like bugs and i was only half awake): well, i'm sure it's crawled away by now. go on back upstairs.

carson: NOOOOOO. mom. it was HUGE. you HAVE to come get it.

(i should take this moment to tell you that from time to time, we have had some HUUUUUGE beetles in this house...for some reason God chooses to torture me by making me live in places that have giant bugs, hurricanes & hot weather...yippee...check out this pic of a beetle in jordan's room a few weeks ago...aggghhhhh!!!)

okay, so now you know that it's entirely POSSIBLE that there IS a bug up there...and you understand why i might not want to go find it...now, back to the story:

me (at this point realizing he's not going away unless i go upstairs): alright. let's go.

upstairs, hudson is fast asleep in his bed. by the light of a teeny tiny night light i feel my way over to his bed and one by one take the blankets off and shake them out.

me: see? there's nothing there. you're fine. let me put these back on and you can climb back in.

carson: MOMMMMM!!!!! CAN'T YOU SEE IT? LOOOOOOK, IT'S RIGHT THERE!!!!! (as he points to the floor).

(um, no. i can't see it. it's 2:30 a.m. it's pitch black. i don't have my contacts in and i'm barely awake. but instead i went ahead and turned on the light, and there it was...THE AWFUL, TERRIBLE, CRAWLING beetle):

what? you can't see it? oh wait...THAT'S BECAUSE THERE WAS NO BEETLE. it was a ROUND RED LEGO.

i thought that would be the end of it. i tried to tuck carson back into bed. but he was HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT. he was CERTAIN there was a beetle. CERTAIN that it was still there. nothing i said, nothing i did, nothing i prayed could convince him otherwise.

so i made him a bed on the couch downstairs and that WOULD be the end of the story EXCEPT that at this point my brain was wide awake.

as i lay/lie/laid (diane merchant, high school english teacher extraordinaire, wanna weigh in here? LOL)...anyhow, as i stayed there in that horizontal position in my bed (hee hee), carson came in from the couch several more times...he was just so concerned that another 'beetle' was going to find him...eventually he fell back to sleep (lucky him).

meanwhile (in a mildly annoyed state), i began to realize how similar my own behavior tends to be at times.

and then...well, then i felt the annoyance melt to humility. i see that this is ME! i run to God...i cry out to him...and the very thing that i am afraid of ISN'T REAL. IT ISN'T THERE.

maybe at one point in time there WAS a 'beetle' sighting in my life...but this time, THIS time an actual beetle (read fear, insecurity, doubt, self-hatred...the list goes on and on) isn't even THERE.

it just FEELS like it. but that's because i'm not fully awake.

when i OPEN MY EYES...when i OPEN MY HEART...to the truth...to HIS TRUTH, NOT MY PERCEIVED REALITY, i realize that i am FREE. those feelings that haunt me, that paralyzing fear...it's time to SHAKE IT OFF...and see that what falls to the ground is just an empty, dead, non-living piece of plastic.

'shake off your dust, rise up, sit enthroned jerusalem. free yourself from the chains on your neck.' isaiah 52:2

'who the son sets free is free indeed.' john 8:36

i've come full circle. i'm back to where i started 20 years ago. back to where so much fear took root. but i believe that God has brought me here to allow me to see that I AM NOT THE SAME. the chains are gone. thank you JESUS...my 'room' has already been fumigated. i don't need to be afraid.

in the light of day the very thing i was so afraid of turns out to be something that actually brings me joy! it's just a piece of a 'puzzle' that completes my whole 'story,' you know?

time to pick up that piece that's been left behind and add it to another...let my imagination run wild...who wants to play legos with me?

if you are in my life, then you are a piece of my puzzle. and i'm grateful for you.

and now, this sleepy chick is going to try and take a nap :)

xoxo.

Z is for ZIPPITY-DOO-DAH...

you know the song, right? zippity doo dah, zippity ay...my oh my what a WONDERFUL day.can i just say MY OH MY, INDEED, WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY.it's my birthday. and it's been a fabulous day from start to finish. with some very crazy little 'bonus' treats along the way. one that will confirm for you (if you didn't already have your doubts) that i.do.not.view.life.the.same.as.most.LOL.

so here are just a few highlights:

starbucks @ the mall, with a handful of 'freebie' promotions. free stuff from sephora, bath & body works & victoria's secret. nothing better than FREE BIRTHDAY PRESENTS :)

the airshow is in town this weekend & the blue angels have been giving me my very own BIRTHDAY FLY OVERS. how cool is that? (what? they weren't doing that just for me? say it isn't so!) lol.

those are pretty normal, right? okay, brace yourself bc the next part may be out of your comfort zone :)you see, God and i have an inside joke. really. if you don't think God has a sense of humor, then you haven't lived my life. that God...he thinks he's pretty funny...sometimes i am.NOT.amused.

but today...TODAY...he cracked me up.from the time i was a little girl, it seemed like i'd always catch the clock at 9:23. or i'd notice it on a license plate...or a street address...923 was everywhere (if you're paying attention, it also happens to be my birth date). seriously, it was all OVER the place.

whatever. i thought it was weird. but i'm weird, right? i feel a collective nod of heads...

but it didn't stop as i got older...and i started trying to find some important 'meaning' in it...i went through the bible...ninth book, twenty third verse? 923rd page? etc. etc. etc. but nothing ever made sense.

one night when we were living in ohio, i was having a really rough night & had been praying & crying out for God to let me know he cared. weeping mode crying. and then the phone rang. i remember it like it was yesterday. i was kind of annoyed that my pity-party-cry-fest had been interrupted.the tears stopped, i chatted for a bit and then i just turned the tv on...and at that moment a commercial came on...it was a runner...he was jumping hurdles...he was racing...the voice over was talking about overcoming obstacles, staying the course, jumping hurdles, pressing on...running the race that you were BORN TO RACE.

across the man's chest was his runner's number. care to guess? YEP. 923.

and the tears started again. could it be that simple? could it just be that the number 923 has significance JUST BECAUSE I WAS BORN? because i exist? i felt like it was just a message that God had a plan for my life...and that he was GLAD i was here.and from that moment on, the whole 923 thing became a little love message from heaven.

some of you are rolling your eyes right now, right?seems like right at some of my most challenging moments, when i'm doubting everything, there it is. 9.2.3. again.
so tonight i had to drop jordan off at volleyball practice. it was POURING. the sky was scary. dropped her off and realized i needed to stop and get milk. not gonna lie. kinda wanted to say some bad words as i ran through the parking lot getting soaked.went to the back of the store. got my gallon of milk. headed for the check out. passed the pharmacy and realized that i should probably get something to help austin breathe. allergies are messing with him big time. deliberated for a moment on name brand vicks or target brand. opted for the cheapy version. passed the cough drops a few feet down and realized jordan said her nose wasn't bad but her throat was scratchy...again, hall's or target brand? grabbed the generic and once again headed to the check out.

placed my items on the conveyor belt and added a cold dr. pepper for austin...

digging through my purse for my debit card and i hear the girl say:

'your total is $9.23.'excuse me? i look up and there it is on the screen:









and i just laughed. i'm SURE the girl thought i was nuts. because i told her that if she didn't mind, since there was no one behind me, i needed to take a picture of it.

if you come to visit me in the near future, prepare to see this baby framed. it makes me smile. if i had purchased two gallons of milk, or bought name brand cough drops...or a pack of pretzel m&m's (which is not really all that unusual for me LOL)...but it was the perfect combination...what THE heck?this, my friends, is the God of the universe, wishing ME a happy birthday.yep. go ahead. giggle. i did. but i also said a little prayer, thanking God for allowing me this crazy, messy, lovely life.

i am grateful for every day of it. the good, the bad, the ugly.

and to top it off, on my way BACK to the gym to pick up jordan, i was sharing this story with my friend monica (who totally totally gets me) and mid-sentence i was like, 'OOOOH MY GOSH...A RAINBOW...' a beautiful, beautiful rainbow. and we had to pause my story so that i could find a parking lot and take a pic. sadly, my camera phone is crap & you can't even TELL it was a rainbow.


but it was. and it was just one more little 'gift' to me today.

i am ready to live.this.life.the challenges that i've faced, the hurdles that i've jumped...they aren't going to stop me.who wants to join me? i promise i'm not as crazy as i sound :)
"...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." hebrews 12:1-3.

Y is for YAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!

for the first time in the lives of my children, summer lasted til after labor day.


for the first time in my adult life, labor day has been celebrated for several reasons. lol.


i love my children. really. i do.


but i am ready for routine.


for breakfast at the same time.


lunch BY MYSELF.


for dinner and bathtime and bedtime.



ahhhhhhhhh. yes. y is for yahooooooooo!




austin & jordan, though up at a brutal hour, were cheerful as they headed off to their new school. this is a relief. hoping they have an incredible first day.





carson & hudson have been up before me ALLLLL summer long...this morning i had to WAKE THEM UP. go figure. lol.





and so it begins: senior, sophmore, fourth & second. here's to a year filled with lots of new friends, fun & adventure!

off to make my second iced coffee of the morning. have a great day y'all!

X is for XERARCH

our friends in texas have been experiencing serious drought this summer...to the point of cancelling the annual fourth of july fireworks. drought = lack of celebration.


meanwhile, here on the east coast we've had an unbelievable forecast of rain, rain and MORE rain...to the point of cancelling the annual fourth of july fireworks. lack of drought also = lack of celebration. LOL.





seems that we were destined, this year, to not have the opportunity to experience the thrill, the joy, the tradition of gathering with our family and sending up our collective ooooohs & aaaaahs.

what is UP with all the extremes? what is UP with all the change? can we not just have a happy medium?


the same could be said of the seasons of my soul. it seems that there IS no middle ground.

Isaiah 58:11 (NIV):

'the Lord will guide you always. he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. you will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.'

king james version says 'and make fat thy bones.' (um, thanks but i'll stick with the NIV on this one, thank you very much :)


today my prayer for myself...for my friends and family...is that we would each learn to trust that in seasons of drought AND in seasons of abundance of rain that the Lord is guiding us and he WILL satisfy our needs.



thank you Lord that you have proven this time and time and time again in my life. may we continue to trust you on the journey.

may we continue to grow...even in the dry places.

XERARCH (english. adjective.):

1. of or pertaining to xerosere. (that's helpful, is it not? LOL).
2. growing in dry places.

W is for W.W.J.W.?

what would jesus wear?
so here's the thing...i HONESTLY don't know how i feel about this. i've been pondering on it for awhile and have decided that i'm just going to toss it out there (ready? catch!) and see what the consensus is. not that even THAT will settle the issue in my mind. but it's worth a try.

talk to me.

obviously we are in the process of checking out new churches...it's so interesting to walk in someplace where you know NO ONE, have NO IDEA what to expect, and then just WAIT and see where it goes...


part of me dreads this.

part of me enjoys it.

but that's not what's bothering me. LOL.

and i should emphasize that i am NOT going to allow this (issue? non-issue?) to have any affect on my views of this particular church because what i observed, what i'm wondering about, took place while a guest speaker was filling in.

so i'm holding off judgement. hee hee. really? who am i to judge, right? and yet at the same time, well...i dunno...that's why i'm troubled.


we sang. we prayed. we greeted those around us. and then it was time for them to introduce the guest speaker. and out he came.

keep in mind we are in a beachy community. and it was an evening service. so i wasn't thrown back at all by the fact that he looked more like a surfer than a preacher. that stuff doesn't bother me. not at all.

but i'm not gonna lie. i noticed his jeans RIGHT.AWAY. like within the first two seconds of his stepping out onto the stage.

they weren't just ANY jeans. they were TRUE RELIGION jeans.

now, i'll be honest...two weeks ago, i wouldn't have even KNOWN what those were.

sure, i've HEARD of them...but i wouldn't...couldn't...spot them to save my life.

HOWEVER, in the quest to pay the bills and keep food on the table, i have gone back to my thrift store scrounging, looking for things to sell in the wonderful world of ebay.

and i found a pair at the local thrift store. all i knew was that they sounded familiar...and looked great...and i KNEW that i couldn't lose money on them. i purchased them and came home, THRILLED to discover that they sell USED for $100+ and that this was, INDEED, a good find.
of course, as i researched them, i discovered that there are lots of 'fakes' out there. (how do you know that your RELIGION is, in fact, TRUE?). there are LOTS of ways to spot the fake ones. it has to do with the stitching...and some details on the back pockets...and it has to do with the buddah on the inside pockets...etc. etc. etc.

so while mr. guest speaker was beginning his teaching, i was checking out his arse. niiiiiiiice, right?

like i said, i'm just putting it out there...(insert embarassed face here ----> ).

i mean, i could CARE less about mr. guest speaker's behind...except for the fact that i was now looking for clues as to whether his TRUE religion jeans were TRUE or FALSE. and from everything that i could gather (without asking for a peek inside his pockets...because i DO know my boundaries thank you very much), i was able to determine that they seemed to be TRUE true religion.

who cares, right?

um, i think i sort of...kind of...do.
and i'm not sure how i feel about that.
yeah, i know, i know...i'm rambling here.


these babies are like $300 retail.

who cares, right?

i mean, he could be wearing an armani suit...or a ralph lauren tie...that cost waaaay more than that...and i wouldn't be able to tell...i'd just be like, 'wow, nice suit.' or maybe not even that. i probably wouldn't even notice, you know?


but because of my recent TRUE RELIGION experience (LOL) i was in tune to the whole thing.

as i listened to his teaching, my mind kept going back to his jeans. he spoke about God wanting us all to be WINNERS. some of what he said could have gone either way in my mind...has Jesus REALLY called us all to be wealthy and prosperous?

and if we AREN'T, then is that his judgement?

i certainly hope not. not just for us but what about for the orphans and widows in africa? my time spent on that continent, i met some of the sweetest saints ever...who loved the Lord with all their hearts. they had NOTHING. but they had JOY.

but i'm not even going to judge where he was going with THAT whole line of thinking...because i really DO CHOOSE TO BELIEVE that he MEANT that WHATEVER IT IS that God has called you to do, you should do it well, do it with all your heart...be a WINNER at it. maybe that's what he meant, maybe not. but i'm giving the benefit of the doubt.

at the beginning of the service, we listened to prayer requests and praises...people who had their financial or physical needs met...others who were still waiting...people who were in dire circumstances...waiting on a miracle.

at the END of the service, a bucket was passed around for a special offering...not for any of those people...but for the dude in the TRUE RELIGION jeans.

i have no problem with that. REALLY. i've been to lots of services where they take up a special offering for the guest speaker. but this time...well...this time just felt different.

and maybe it shouldn't have.

maybe i'm just struggling because of our own personal experiences...where our family has been affected by the bottom line of church budgets...maybe this all hits too close to home...maybe...

maybe TRUE RELIGION is not questioning...not judging...

i dunno.

what do YOU think?

W.W.J.W.?