but I'm not.
instead my mind is busy. filled with a jumble of thoughts that refuse to be silenced.
so here I sit...typing as quietly as I can on my LOUD clickety-clackety keyboard... hoping no one else in the house is disturbed by my need to put my thoughts 'out there' so that they aren't 'in here' anymore.
here i sit...in virginia. minus two kids. minus my friends. minus my home (though i really AM loving making this new place mine...even if it's technically not, you know?).
and i think...what the HECK? who would have thought? and, um, WHY? it has been awesome to reconnect with bobby's family. it's been a blast to drive by places familiar (and some that have changed soooo much) and be flooded with memories from the past. so much has changed. so much has stayed the same.
but back to the WHY...i have absolutely no clue. lol. and you know what? it doesn't matter. it isn't mine to know. and i'm okay with that. (well, part of me is...the other part apparently is plagued enough to not be sleeping lol).
here's the thing: it's been a tough week. we miss austin & jordan. oh so much. and so i was excited to finally be able to put a date to this temporary separation and let them know when they would be joining us. for austin this was welcome news. he is ready...he's not thrilled with the prospect of starting over...or leaving everyone & everything...but he's excited for all of us to be back together again. for jordan...well, let's just say she wasn't ready for an actual date for the end of life as she knows it.
and it broke my heart. i hate when my children are hurting. my heart feels their pain. and i wish that i could take it away. but this time, i can't. i have to trust that she's going to be okay.
and i shared with a friend how it hurts sometimes to know that this life has not always been easy on my kids...i pondered why they haven't been able to just have whatever they want...and sure, take some of it for granted...instead of feeling (even though we try to keep it to ourselves) the unknown of sometimes even knowing how we're going to put food on the table...or pay the bills...watching their dad struggle through this past season...and them being old enough to see it...to process it...i told my friend that i wished sometimes that they could just be normal kids...who get whatever they want.
and as soon as i said it, i realized: I DON'T MEAN THAT. i'm glad they aren't normal kids (no offense kiddos...i don't mean you're weirdos or anything...well...never mind...i'm sure they aren't reading this anyhow...).
look at paris hilton. she got everything she ever wanted. do i really want THAT for my kids? um, no.
i realize there are well adjusted kids out there who live a comfortable life...and this isn't meant to say that having financial security is a bad thing...
but the things we've gone through, the things we've lived...they've brought us here (well, some of us...some of us aren't here yet)...and i don't KNOW why...but they've shaped us...they've molded us...as a family...as individuals...and i am reminded of the moment that carson actually CRIED over an xbox for christmas...100% gratitude...a moment of absolute thankfulness for receiving something that was beyond what he could have hoped for.
and that makes me smile.
i've spent today working on jordan's bedroom. she gave me a general idea of what she'd like her room to look like...and she's entrusted me with the rest...i've given her a glimpse of what i'm working with but have decided that from this point on, she's going to have to wait...i'm not showing her any more...she'll have to wait for 'the big reveal' when she arrives. i cannot tell you the joy and love that is going into this room...knowing that she's struggling right now...knowing that this move is going to be so hard on her...and so as i'm preparing this place...this new place...for her...i am excited to make it as fabulous as it can possibly be...layering all sorts of little surprises into the details...my heart skips a beat when i find the PERFECT funky little addition at the thrift store (thank you God) and i just know that even though it's going to be an adjustment, she's going to have a great place for this new season...
and it makes me think about how Jesus said (and i'd put quotes here but i don't know it by heart and i may be taking it completely out of context...but hey, whatever, it's 5:07 now, you know?)...anyhow Jesus said something about going to prepare a place for us...
and THAT makes me think beyond just palaces and streets paved with gold and all that jazz...it makes me think that God knows everything...he knows what's ahead...while i sit here struggling, he's preparing a new place...just for me...for you...for us...
and i think that sometimes he (well, wait a minute...he knows everything...so okay...) so YEAH, um, all the time...he knows that there are things ahead that are going to be rough...things that are going to be opposite of what WE WANT...but things that are ultimately for our good even when we can't fathom how or why...and so, i'd like to think (and hopefully this isn't just wishful thinking) that in the same way i am getting my daughter's room ready...and personalizing her space in ways that reflect my love for her...my desire for her to feel secure, that he's doing the same for us...
i know this isn't where jordan wants to be...i want to wrap my arms around her...i want to protect her from the pain that comes along with change...
if i feel like that, how much MORE does the perfect, all-knowing, imaginative, creator of the universe God feel that way about me? about you? about us?
i would move heaven and earth for my children. i am HIS child. and so i shall try to set aside all that plagues my thoughts...and trust...that he is paving a way before me...setting me on the path that he has already prepared for me...and even though i can't see it, i trust that he is good...and that he's personalizing it just for me.
because he loves me. he loves you. he loves us.
and now, Jesus, if you are reading this, could you please please pretty please with sugar on top (is there sugar in heaven? oh gosh i hope so...) pleeeeeeease let me go to sleep now?
2 comments:
Oh, wow, I have so been there... We call our year in Franklin, Tennessee, the year from, well, you know. Uprooting the kids from Virginia Beach, which was all they had ever known to be home was horrific. As we pulled out of our driveway, it hit them. Not a second earlier. They had been all excited about Nashville until we pulled down the street and then lumps in throats gave way to free-flowing tears. Oh, how my heart ached! And after a year in Tennessee, we thought we were moving back to Virginia and at the last minute the job was withdrawn and we headed to Charlotte. They were so devastated! I will be praying for a smoother than smooth transition and for new friends for the kids. And for you to reconnect with old friends and make new ones, too! Love and hugs!
Megan
Such a touching post. You, Bobby and your children...you are all special people and good people.
I know Jordan must struggling (I attended 8 schools total, 3 high schools alone). I never appreciated it until Facebook of all things...that was when I saw just how many friends I'd not known otherwise and consider all of the experiences I wouldn't have had.
I know how it is to just want our precious children to just be normal kids, without grown up worries (didn't happen here either). But because you are a special family, with a bond like I've never seen...I know that good things are in your futures.
It all happens for a reason and it all works out in the end. This is where faith comes in. And I've never known faith truly til I met you. All the hard times, the struggles, the pain and just plain irritations. They refine you. They make you by Our Heavenly Father's design.
The picture of Carson crying with pure joy is so beautiful. And special and good. As you all are.
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